Where I'm At

I must admit that I'm really frustrated with the scale. My weight has not moved in almost two weeks. I don't get it. I'm actually eating lunch, I'm cooking again, and I've been really good about no sugar/treats/junk, etc. What the crap? My body is definitely changing for the better, and people are noticing. It nice to have someone else notice the effort I'm making. But DANG!...why can't the scale show it?! Instead of looking forward to the weigh in next week, I have this sneaking suspicion I'm not doing to hit my goal weight. Boo!!!!

Today was a therapy day. We did more chatting back and forth than deep, intense conversations. On one hand, things are great and I know it. On the other hand, I feel like I'm becoming emotionally dead. It's getting harder and harder for me to reach out and engage with my family and other people. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I am getting depressed again, but that's not what it is. We talked about it for a little bit, and Paul suggested two things.

One, STOP COMPARING myself to everyone and acknowledge that things have been really difficult this past year. Yes, kids have missed out on activities, big baby didn't get the attention she deserved, and food hasn't been all that healthy many times. BUT, we are all alive, and we are getting to a good place and routine.

Two, I really need to focus on finding things that calm me down. I still really struggle with this one. Doing the yoga for P90X has been awesome. Unfortunately, big baby really likes to be involved and little man suddenly discovers ten million questions to ask during that 90 minute window.

We also talked about Molly and the obstacles she'll be facing throughout her life. One thing I've thought a lot about lately is smells. She tried green beans for the first time a few days ago and loved it(yeah!). Unfortunately, she had the WORST SMELLING GAS for about two hours before anything of substance came out with it. While we can laugh about it at our house (we've become pretty open), I can't help but think what her first date will be like...or prom...or a banquet for school. People can be so cruel! There was one adult on the support website that became short gut in May and just barely returned back to work. He's really giving me insight into what may be in store for Molly(had to have a meeting with his boss discuss air freshener arrangements, moving offices closer to an outside door, etc). Yesterday he posted a picture of the dash of his car and labeled it 'for work'. It was three kinds of air fresheners. The best part was the comments letting him know which brands and which scents work the best.

I love that there's a place I can freely discuss that stuff without anyone getting offended or uncomfortable, but it makes me really leery of her being in school with kids and adults that just don't understand. Mention certain buzz words and everyone wants to talk about it (i.e. cancer, brain stuff, heart stuff, autism, etc), but start talking intestines and people really want to change the subject. I only hope and pray she keeps her strong personality!

Oh, and we get to add another specialist to our growing list. We meet with a head specialist next Tuesday to evaluate her huge noggin' and verify nothing is wrong. I'm guessing a helmet might be in our future. So now she has a regular pediatrician, a GI, a rehab specialist, an opthomologist, a physical therapist, a fine motor/gross motor therapist, and a head specialist. And that's with her doing AMAZING. Sheesh.

Anyways, sorry for the tangent, but that's where I am lately. Feeling better physically, drained emotionally, and frustrated over a stupid number. How is anyone else doing????