Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Who I Am

Once again, I had a great session with Paul today. The first half was just updating on Molly and how I've been handling everything so far. He agreed that making the 2010 family scrapbook was a great therapeutic experience. Both from the finish what you start perspective, and from the 'need to process what happened last year' perspective. I feel like things are finally getting to a good place overall. It was really helpful that Adam was doing the book with me, so we had time to sit and talk about Molly, as well as recognize all the fun and great things that happened during the year. I can't wait to for it to get here.

The second half was spent discussing something I'm still struggling with-not having hurt/angry feeling towards certain people in my life. I felt like I was moving on and getting past things, but the last few weeks I've really struggling with feelings about myself and certain people. He pointed out a few things that helped me a lot.

First, he said there are people who are driven by compassion and cooperation, then there are people that are driven by comparison and competition. As an individual it's important to recognize where your personal values lay. Once you know that, you learn to naturally avoid people that don't share that same fundamental personality. Which makes total sense in my life. I feel like I know my niche, and get reall uncomfortable when I'm around people I feel aren't in the same place.

Second, he said that when I allow myself to dwell on the anger or hurt, it's basically letting them become the 'expert witness' on who you are. Any time you compare yourself to someone else, that's the control you're letting go. So at the end of the day, if that person doesn't know you well enough to be your 'expert witness', it's not worth forfeiting that power to them. In my case, the certain people have absolutely no clue who I am, or what I value. So I need to decide to call a different 'expert' so to speak.

Third, he said when you find someone that just rubs you wrong way, it's a good time to let them be your teacher in a way. Sit down and evaluate what it is that really bothers me, and determine where that trait is in my value system. Once you can recognize the reasons behind the emotion it's a lot easier to turn them into a positive and move past the anger and hurt.

We also spoke about how to avoid that inferior feeling that some people are so good at bringing out in some people. Learning to be at peace with who you are can prevent that feeling from creeping in. No one is superior or inferior to anyone else-it's a matter of how we allow ourselves to feel around someone else. I don't need to be good at everything. I'm starting to realize that how I've pulled through this past year is a much better indication of what is important to me and who I am than my ability to make something look good/taste good/sound good, etc. At the end of the day, that's who I am.

And you know what? I'm okay with that.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Giving back

This past week has been a whirlwind of craziness. So many big things happening at once. The luncheon for Molly at the NICU of Primary Children's went great. I was worried that there wouldn't be enough food, but once I got everything in one spot it was plenty. I didn't really get to talk to any families or staff, which was good and bad. There was one grandpa in the hall as things were getting set up. His granddaughter was born on the 17th with gastrochisis(one of the leading causes of short gut in babies), and was having surgery while I was there. Talk about memories coming back. Different cause, but same time line for everything. I've thought about them a lot since then, and pray the surgery went well and his little granddaughter didn't lose too much intestine.

In talking the with NICU parent coordinator I realized how grateful I am that everything with Molly happened last year. This year is looking like it's going to be NASTY. In a 50 bed NICU, they only had one bed available, then they were going to start diverting babies to other hospitals. When Molly was there I don't think it was ever more than half full. The RSV lockdown started all over the state on the 14th in response to how bad things are already. It makes me so thankful last year wasn't as bad and the kids were able to meet Molly at least once before she came home.

Molly's birthday celebration was fun. She understood more than I thought she would. Her cake was a big flop though. The cake itself actually tasted pretty good, which surprised me. The frosting was a different story altogether. It was possibly one of the nastiest things I've tasted in a long time. When it came time to sing and blow out the candle, Molly attacked the cupcake too fast for any pictures or singing. BUT, all she did was destroy it and smash it with her fingers. She wanted absolutely nothing to do with the actual tasting. Apparently she follows her fellow short gutters in not liking sweets. So the two months of me prepping her to tolerate it really didn't matter in the end. Silly girl. :)

With Thanksgiving this week we celebrated the one year mark of being able to hold Molly. AND everyone was healthy enough that we went to my in-laws house with the entire family for dinner. The kids were so excited to play with cousins, and Molly tried turkey and mashed potatoes and loved them. A few hours later several of my teenage nieces kept telling me she needed her diaper changed, but I let them know it was just gas. I have a feeling lots of air fresheners will be at future Thanksgiving meals.

We also took pictures of the entire family for the first time in eight years. Sarah screamed bloody murder almost the whole time, while Molly was happy as could be and just started yelling to fit in. It was pretty funny. I can't wait to see how the pictures turn out though.

The other thing that's been taking all my time is making a scrapbook for our family for 2010. It's taken a LOT of hours, but has actually been really therapeutic for me. I'm also realizing just how much fun our family managed to squeeze into a bad year. So instead of looking at the next few months with dread, I'm actually getting excited.

Now weight wise, things are crappy. Ok, not weight wise, but size wise. I did pretty well on Thanksgiving day, as most of the dishes aren't really tempting to me. However, exercise has become really sporadic and my core is showing it in a major way. I really need to refocus my efforts there. Although I did to the turkey trot in Eagle Mountain, which is 3.7 miles and it didn't seem hard at all. In fact, I told Adam that next year the whole family is doing it together, whether they like it or not.

With most of our Christmas shopping done, I'm going to try and work on different ways to give back over the holidays. We are going to do a gift for the NICU babies on Christmas morning, but that's about all I really have planned so far. So if you hear of any fun or personal ways that we can get involved in some service over the next two or three months, let me know.

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving!!

Thursday, November 17, 2011

The Day Has Come

Wow. Today is the day. Little Miss Molly turned one this morning at 6:17 am!! I have been afraid for this day to get here for months now. Now that it's here, all I feel is overwhelming joy and gratitude. The kids have been SO excited for the past week. Every morning they jump out of bed and announce the countdown to today. While Molly has absolutely no comprehension of anything that's going on, our family is more excited for this birthday than any other one I can think of.

One year ago right now the doctor was coming into my room to tell me that Molly was septic and bruising much too easily to be normal, and would I give permission for her to receive a transfusion of clotting factors? I had no idea the flood gates this discovery would open. Twelve hours later, the doctor was back informing me that they ran further tests and discovered an obstruction in her bowels. Even now I'm still grateful that the reality of the situation didn't sink in. I heard the words, I knew they were serious, but I really didn't understand.

Looking at her now, you would NEVER guess her medical history. All you would see is a super chubby, super squishy baby with a GINORMOUS head. For that I am also thankful. I'm thankful her scars are easily covered. I'm thankful that she's progressing so well.

I am also thankful to have a functioning body back. A year ago I wasn't capable of walking, sitting, turning, lifting, etc. Now I feel fit and ready to do just about anything. It's nice to know my body can do whatever I want it to again.

Yesterday was another session with Paul. This time we talked about Molly's milestones and he celebrated with me. I love that he remembers so much about her history. We also talked a lot about my inability to casually socialize anymore. A few weeks ago I went to the wedding of a cousin-in-law. It was beautiful and great to see some extended family we haven't seen in a while. But it was also glaringly apparent that I have no clue how to shoot the breeze anymore. Things have just been too serious and too stressful for so long and I hardly ever interact in person anymore. So this holiday season, I'm going to try to focus on that instead of the negative memories from last year.

Tomorrow is Molly's life celebration. We are doing a lunch buffet for the NICU families up at Primary Children's since we can't go anywhere. I'm really nervous to be back there, but other families doing the same thing while Molly was there meant the world to me. Seeing and hearing about how well their child was doing at one gave me so much hope at a time it was really needed. Hopefully we can do the same for some of the families there now.

So Happy Birthday to my little Chubbylumkins! We survived the first year!!

Monday, November 14, 2011


Life is trucking along. Adam and I actually went on an over night trip to Park City last weekend. It was great. I had a minor anxiety attack that night, but worked through it and by the next morning I realized my mind made no sense at all. Things are staying busy and not nearly as anxiety ridden as I was afraid it would be this month. Something I am extremely thankful for and hope it continues for the next couple of months.

Last week in my session with Paul we talked about little man for a while. He's been driving me CRAZY with his attitude lately. Paul's suggestion was a great one-have dad do an intervention. Instead of always getting on his case for what he's doing wrong, have dad sit down and talk about something they can do together or some prize he can earn if he starts listening to me better and showing more respect. So simple, yet never would have occurred to me in a million years. I heart therapy sometimes.

One setback is with Molly lately. Her eyes have started going cross. I noticed it for the first time right before meeting with her speech therapist, then the therapist pointed it out first thing during our appointment. That was with her left eye. Then last week her right eye started acting like it's got a mind of it's own for two days. I made an appointment with the opthalmologist, but couldn't get in until the end of December.

After posting on the short gut support group to see if anyone else had experienced this, I realized that it might not be genetics at play. It could be tied to her brain damage. Once I realized that I called and left a message for the doctor to see if they felt it was urgent enough to get Molly in sooner. Unfortunately, it is urgent enough. I got the call this morning that Dr. Larsen wants to see her this week. So tomorrow morning it's off we go to figure out if it's genetics at work and we'll just do glasses for now, or if it's a sign of something more serious and we need to get the imaging done and meet with a neurologist.

I'm crossing all my fingers and toes it's the first one.

Friday, November 4, 2011

Howl-O-Ween 5k

My oldest daughter and I ran a local 5k the Saturday before Halloween. Today I had a chance to look up the results and we did it in 33:32!!! I am so stinkin' proud of my little girl!!!!!!!

Wednesday, November 2, 2011


wow. I've lost all control around sugar. I think I've survived off of sugar cookies for about a week now. Not good. Funny thing, all the candy doesn't really tempt me. There's just something about a sugar cookie with frosting and candy corn on it that I can't say no to.

Halloween ended up being a crazy day. We woke up that morning to little man with croup, and big baby taking off her diaper before her morning pee and poo business. It was great...NOT. I spent the entire day sanitizing and cleaning. We got little man his steroid shot and banned him to his bedroom so nothing would be shared with either baby.

When it was time to get everyone ready, big baby found some candy corn in a bag and promptly ate all of them. Apparently some fell on the floor because a little while later I noticed Molly had something in her mouth. Turned out to be a piece of candy corn. Since she's never been exposed to sugar and I wasn't sure what her reaction would be, I changed our plans for the 10th time and just stayed home with her while Adam took to big kids to a chili/trunk or treat party at his parents' house.

LUCKILY, Molly's reaction was no where near as bad as I feared. Some bad burps, the worst smelling gas ever, and diarrhea the next morning!!!!!! I'm getting so much braver to experiment with food with her after that 'incident'.

I spent the night giving out candy and playing with Molly. When the big kids got home, the girls went out with some friends because they wanted more loot. And boy did they get it.

So overall, it was a HAPPY HALLOWEEN!! What did anyone else do?