Where I'm At

I must admit that I'm really frustrated with the scale. My weight has not moved in almost two weeks. I don't get it. I'm actually eating lunch, I'm cooking again, and I've been really good about no sugar/treats/junk, etc. What the crap? My body is definitely changing for the better, and people are noticing. It nice to have someone else notice the effort I'm making. But DANG!...why can't the scale show it?! Instead of looking forward to the weigh in next week, I have this sneaking suspicion I'm not doing to hit my goal weight. Boo!!!!

Today was a therapy day. We did more chatting back and forth than deep, intense conversations. On one hand, things are great and I know it. On the other hand, I feel like I'm becoming emotionally dead. It's getting harder and harder for me to reach out and engage with my family and other people. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I am getting depressed again, but that's not what it is. We talked about it for a little bit, and Paul suggested two things.

One, STOP COMPARING myself to everyone and acknowledge that things have been really difficult this past year. Yes, kids have missed out on activities, big baby didn't get the attention she deserved, and food hasn't been all that healthy many times. BUT, we are all alive, and we are getting to a good place and routine.

Two, I really need to focus on finding things that calm me down. I still really struggle with this one. Doing the yoga for P90X has been awesome. Unfortunately, big baby really likes to be involved and little man suddenly discovers ten million questions to ask during that 90 minute window.

We also talked about Molly and the obstacles she'll be facing throughout her life. One thing I've thought a lot about lately is smells. She tried green beans for the first time a few days ago and loved it(yeah!). Unfortunately, she had the WORST SMELLING GAS for about two hours before anything of substance came out with it. While we can laugh about it at our house (we've become pretty open), I can't help but think what her first date will be like...or prom...or a banquet for school. People can be so cruel! There was one adult on the support website that became short gut in May and just barely returned back to work. He's really giving me insight into what may be in store for Molly(had to have a meeting with his boss discuss air freshener arrangements, moving offices closer to an outside door, etc). Yesterday he posted a picture of the dash of his car and labeled it 'for work'. It was three kinds of air fresheners. The best part was the comments letting him know which brands and which scents work the best.

I love that there's a place I can freely discuss that stuff without anyone getting offended or uncomfortable, but it makes me really leery of her being in school with kids and adults that just don't understand. Mention certain buzz words and everyone wants to talk about it (i.e. cancer, brain stuff, heart stuff, autism, etc), but start talking intestines and people really want to change the subject. I only hope and pray she keeps her strong personality!

Oh, and we get to add another specialist to our growing list. We meet with a head specialist next Tuesday to evaluate her huge noggin' and verify nothing is wrong. I'm guessing a helmet might be in our future. So now she has a regular pediatrician, a GI, a rehab specialist, an opthomologist, a physical therapist, a fine motor/gross motor therapist, and a head specialist. And that's with her doing AMAZING. Sheesh.

Anyways, sorry for the tangent, but that's where I am lately. Feeling better physically, drained emotionally, and frustrated over a stupid number. How is anyone else doing????

Reminders

Sometimes I just really hate being a girl. The past two weeks my emotions have turned me into a sobbing Mom-zilla. Blech! Fortunately, I feel like I'm getting back to some sense of normal. I am two weeks into P90X and on one hand I'm feeling fantastic and can really see and feel results. On the other hand, I've pulled a stomach muscle and can't do any kind of ab workout until it's healed.

I think it's one of those times when how I perceive myself is not what reality is. I don't want to think that my body can't keep up with what I want to be doing. When I was talking to my sister a few days ago she just kept reminding me that I've given birth TWICE in a ten month period, and one of those was an emergency c-section. SOOOOO, I can't expect my ab muscles to exist without coaxing them back. Lame, but true. So if anyone has any recommendations for a post-natal ab workout, please let me know! Hopefully I'll be back to normal by next week.

Meeting with my therapist this week was ok. He reminded me of the one thing more, one thing less in regards to Molly. I feel like my paranoia is holding her back at this point. I know she's doing well, but all the what if's keep going through my mind and I'm scared to push her too hard. She did get a new physical therapist this week that seems really good. Now she is sitting up, we are going to work on getting there by herself.

4 Years

Today has been an interesting day. Because of when my birthday falls, we usually celebrate my half birthday. Today adam remembered and I woke up to breakfast in bed and a new book. Unfortunately, it also serves as an anniversary of sorts. Four years ago tonight two of my children and I got voilently ill with the cryptosporidium parasite. I lost 15 pounds in less than 7 days, and it took six months before I could even think about eating a full meal again. Since then I have redefined how I look at food. After finally seeing a specialist last year I can celebrate the fact that as long as I'm super careful with what I eat I can actually be around other people and go out in public without being totally embarrassed.

On the down side, now I am empowered with the knowledge of exactly which side effects I get from each food. Somehow knowing this has ruined food for me. I drool at what I used to eat and be ok. It drives me crazy.

Happy anniversary to me. Four years down and who knows how long to go...

Pain

Well, I survived the first week of P90X. While I don't think I've lost any weight, the distribution of the weight has markedly changed. I feel like my back, stomach, and hamstrings are much leaner than a week ago. However, I also feel my hamstrings, shoulders, and lats SCREAMING for a break. I think I'll be doing some extra stretching today and tomorrow so I don't end up getting injured. That would totally suck.

Something else I've noticed the last day or two is that my desire to eat better is getting stronger each day. The only downside is that when I eat fresh fruits and veggies with whole grains I end up in the bathroom sick ALL NIGHT LONG. So, I'm back to hating food all together. Everything that sounds good to me will only make me sick later on. Blech. I need a professional to come in and show me how to have food I can actually process that's ready FAST. Anyone know where to find someone like that????

P90X

A neighbor is letting me borrow their dvd set, so I thought I would give it a try. I have to admit, I was starting to feel like I was getting back in shape before this morning. I was feeling good about where I'm at. Not so after that first workout. I think my arms just may fall off. I've never seen them shake so much in my life. And I had to do a modified version of several of the exercises since I don't have a pull up bar. I think I'm going to have to come up with some better solutions for future workouts. I think this will definitely make a difference though, if I survive.

Call It Like I See It

So I have been relaxing this week in the food department. But I've been pushing myself in the running department. I'm thinking I'm going to start doing the fiber thing again because I actually felt pretty good when I did it. Adam has even jumped on the bandwagon and said he's noticed a difference too. He's also in the middle of crunch time, which means I'm a single parent again for a while. I think the exercise is helping me stay sane. I even ventured out for snow cones with the kiddos tonight after spending the afternoon getting staples in my oldest child's head.

Today's session with Paul was a good one. We talked about several random things. One of them was the return of my Molly nightmares. They started up again last week. Last night I woke myself up screaming. I asked him why they would be coming back now after three weeks of nothing, and this time they're not about her getting sick. Now its just her getting hurt. He said that when you're dealing with such intense stress for a while it takes your subconscious a long time to work things through. So even if consciously you are feeling like you've moved on, you might not have deep down. That's where dreams come in. They are like a pressure cooker getting ready to explode if you don't let out some steam every now and then. So instead of being freaked out by them I should be embracing them, because it's showing that my subconscious is trying to work things out. It made me feel much better.

We also talked about dealing with overly dramatic people and how to make it through a confrontation unscathed. He used the parable of the adulteress to illustrate his point. When confronted with an angry mob trying to 'throw Him under the bus', figuratively speaking, Christ didn't match their energy. Instead he drew in the ground. Then with all calmness spoke one line and went back to drawing. I never looked at that parable through that perspective, but it clicked in my head this time. There's no fight if you don't match the other person's intensity and energy. Hopefully I remember that in the future.

The last thing that stuck with me was along the same discussion line. Paul stated that there are two kinds of people in this world. There are the ones that 'call it like they see it', and then there are the ones that 'see it like they call it'. I thought about that for a while and I really agree with that assessment. You can either try to be logical and reasonable and own your life and choices, or you can skew the facts to fit your tainted view in life. One you are never a victim, the other you are the perpetual victim. He thinks I'm the first one, and I hope that doesn't change.

Here's to a good month of August!!

Finding the Silver Lining

Sooooo, I weighed in this morning and wanted to cry. I was at my goal weight Saturday night, so I was really excited for the weigh in. I was really good food wise yesterday. Then I weighed in and had gained almost 3 pounds by this morning!! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! I am so frustrated! I totally started eating brownies to indulge my pity party. Then my big baby came up to me, pulled on my finger, and led me to the garage door saying "walk! Walk! WALK!!"

So I sucked it up, and went for our morning walk. Then when I went for my run, I decided to actually push myself and see what I could handle. I did a 5k in under 30 minutes for the first time in almost a year!

Morale of the story, sometimes weigh in's SUCK. And sometimes all it takes is a little kid to remind you of what you're supposed to be doing. And sometimes you can still accomplish a goal after not meeting another one.

Thanks bittie for showing me my silver lining this morning!