I have really struggled this past month. Exercise hasn't happened at all, and I guess I didn't realize how much it would affect me. I think I've spent the majority of the time wishing I could take a break from myself. This past week I hit a bad low. Bad enough that I realized I probably needed to go back on medication for depression again if things didn't change immediately. My kids have not had an easy time of dealing with mom, and we have not been having any fun.
On Friday I decided to do the opposite of pretty much every impulse I had for the day, especially in regards to getting outside. It ended up being a fairly crazy day. Molly had some huge breakthroughs in therapy (she is starting to answer yes or no questions appropriately on occasion!!!!), I fit in an errand that resulted in witnesses a psycho crash into a car and take off in the parking lot, and I bit the bullet. I finally attempted the pool with all five children by myself. This is really huge for me on several levels. We had a good time and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Since we were living it up, I even let the kids choose pizza from little caeser's for dinner. It was a MUCH needed day for my psyche.
After the kids settled in for a slumber party in the basement, I started watching random stuff while waiting for the hubby to get home from a guy's night to see Prometheus. Then he called and said he was trying to get his friend to the hospital in time for his wife's emergency c-section. I didn't handle the news very well, as I had spoken to the wife a few hours earlier about the pregnancy and convinced her to call her doctor with her concerns since it was the start of the weekend(she was 31 weeks). At that point I completely lost it. As in I think I've experienced my first panic attack.
Needless to say it was a very long night. Adam finally got home around 1 am, after getting the husband there literally in the nick of time (they were making the incision as he walked into the OR). Things are not ok with the baby, but they are getting hopefully more stable. Yesterday was spent battling a massive migraine and exhaustion while trying to through a baby shower for another friend. In many ways, I'm so grateful for the distraction of running the shower, because I'm having so many flashbacks and fears for our friends, but I know there's nothing I can do, but pray for everyone involved.
While it seems like this would make things worse for me, it's actually getting me back to where I want to be. I have someone else's needs that are making me get out of my head and making it impossible to dwell on all the make believe issues I've been so upset over the past month. It's also reminding me all over again how precious every day is with my family, and more days need to be fun.
I also had a good high yesterday (perfect timing) at the baby shower. There was a guy named Dale there that truly left an impression on me. I must admit that I've never felt so at ease talking with a new person before. Everything about him was so incredibly genuine. I felt like even though we couldn't be more different from each other (me the psycho mom of 5 with no sense of style or design and him the gay fabulously dressed personal organizer and interior designer), it was the most interesting and comfortable conversation I've had in a long time. I talked to Adam about having him come out and help me with our house as we are in the furniture and decorating phase of the basement, and he loves the idea. He is so completely at peace with himself and his abilities and wants to give that to the people he's around. This probably sounds crazy, but he just really impressed me and wish I could be like him with other people around me.
Anywho, that's the culmination of the past month. Summer is here, there's way too much going on, and I need to find a way to stay sane. And please, please, please, say a prayer for our friend's baby...