Who I Am

Once again, I had a great session with Paul today. The first half was just updating on Molly and how I've been handling everything so far. He agreed that making the 2010 family scrapbook was a great therapeutic experience. Both from the finish what you start perspective, and from the 'need to process what happened last year' perspective. I feel like things are finally getting to a good place overall. It was really helpful that Adam was doing the book with me, so we had time to sit and talk about Molly, as well as recognize all the fun and great things that happened during the year. I can't wait to for it to get here.

The second half was spent discussing something I'm still struggling with-not having hurt/angry feeling towards certain people in my life. I felt like I was moving on and getting past things, but the last few weeks I've really struggling with feelings about myself and certain people. He pointed out a few things that helped me a lot.

First, he said there are people who are driven by compassion and cooperation, then there are people that are driven by comparison and competition. As an individual it's important to recognize where your personal values lay. Once you know that, you learn to naturally avoid people that don't share that same fundamental personality. Which makes total sense in my life. I feel like I know my niche, and get reall uncomfortable when I'm around people I feel aren't in the same place.

Second, he said that when I allow myself to dwell on the anger or hurt, it's basically letting them become the 'expert witness' on who you are. Any time you compare yourself to someone else, that's the control you're letting go. So at the end of the day, if that person doesn't know you well enough to be your 'expert witness', it's not worth forfeiting that power to them. In my case, the certain people have absolutely no clue who I am, or what I value. So I need to decide to call a different 'expert' so to speak.

Third, he said when you find someone that just rubs you wrong way, it's a good time to let them be your teacher in a way. Sit down and evaluate what it is that really bothers me, and determine where that trait is in my value system. Once you can recognize the reasons behind the emotion it's a lot easier to turn them into a positive and move past the anger and hurt.

We also spoke about how to avoid that inferior feeling that some people are so good at bringing out in some people. Learning to be at peace with who you are can prevent that feeling from creeping in. No one is superior or inferior to anyone else-it's a matter of how we allow ourselves to feel around someone else. I don't need to be good at everything. I'm starting to realize that how I've pulled through this past year is a much better indication of what is important to me and who I am than my ability to make something look good/taste good/sound good, etc. At the end of the day, that's who I am.

And you know what? I'm okay with that.