Holidays

Today was the start of the winter holidays for both the kids and Adam. Two whole weeks of no school and no work! We had big plans for all the togetherness and Christmas-y things we would do together. Instead, I spent today running around like a chicken with my head cut off. Hopefully I got all the last minute stuff taken care of though. All that's left is mailing a few more cards and getting the presents for the NICU up to Primary Children's.

One really good thing that happened today was a session with Paul. The past few days I debated whether or not I should just cancel it because I've been feeling so good about things. This morning I realized that while I feel great overall, I've had several crying sessions lately. Last night also brought some things to light that have made me really think about relationships and how things are going with certain people.

We talked about how well Molly is doing and I let him know about the most amazing appointment ever with her GI on the 5th. We also talked about things I've become concerned with since then. She didn't do well when we took her off her reflux medication, so we will be seeing Dr. Pohl again because he has to do follow ups every six months for kids on reflux medication long term. Not a big deal, we'll just try again every six months until she's ok without it. Her reaction, or lack there of, to the blood draw is different. It made us realize that the nerve damage on the left side of her body is most likely permanent. Not insurmountable, but definitely something we will have to be on extra alert for to make sure she doesn't get unnecessarily injured.

I don't know why this revelation is hitting me so hard, but for some reason it is. I think putting a medical term to it is bothering me a lot. For some reason, saying she has brain damage doesn't bother me. When I put it in the context of a stroke or cerebral palsy, I have a meltdown. Nothing's changed but the word I use to describe it, but it seems to make a huge difference to me. So Paul told me to stop looking for a medical term and just celebrate the ways Molly has surprised us. I think I needed the proverbial 'slap in the face' to stop that train of thought.

Paul moved on to Christmas and how I am holding up. I told him I'm doing much better than I thought I would be, but I would be lying if I said the past week hasn't totally stressed me out. In the past, all I've wanted was to be with as much family as possible for Christmas Eve and Christmas day. I love the chaos, and screaming, and excitement that comes from all the kids together. But this year I'm craving quiet simplicity. All I want is to be at home with my family and my parents and celebrate the birth of the Lord completely together, without the distractions of everyone else.

Trying to get this across without totally offending some family members is the problem. I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place. I know either way we will have a fabulous Christmas, I just want to feel like I'm in more control of it this year I guess. Paul recommended putting a fixed time limit on anything to do with someone else because our family is still healing from everything's that happened and shouldn't be forgotten. He even said I could blame everything on him if we decide to stay home. :)

I just wish it was that simple.